An open letter to Lauren Graham

Dear Lauren Graham,

Hi.

I hope this letter finds you well.  Because, you know, I assume you’re reading this STOG.

Oh.  You don’t know me, but I’ve been a fan since the “Caroline in the City” days.  And I’m still not speaking to ABC for canceling “Townies.”

We also have a six degrees thing going.  An ex-girlfriend’s fiancee is good friends with good friends of yours.  (Or something.)  And my ex uses this info to torture me.  She’s an evil, evil, evil, cute, evil woman.  (She also says you have broad shoulders, so be mean to her if you ever meet!)

I wrote a screenplay with you in mind once.  I convinced your agent to read it.  She even called me when she was finished with it.  She said all kinds of lovely and complimentary (and truthful) things about it and then mentioned, “When you come up with the funding, let me know and I’ll pass it along to Lauren.”

So I checked between the cushions of my couch, but only found $1.07.  Canadian.  And a Bazooka Joe comic.  It was the one with the very dated pun.  Do you remember it?

I should also mention that, when your agent called, I had the flu and a super high fever.  For the first half of the conversation I thought she was a girl I dated in college.  I’m glad I didn’t mention “that time, in the hotel room, with the jumper cables and ventriloquist’s dummy.”

Kidding.

I’m kidding.

It was a sock puppet.

Now I don’t typically give career advice to people.  Mostly because I’m staggeringly self-absorbed.  However I have the perfect idea for you.  Well, more like ideas…

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside a big Chicago ad agency being run by a recently divorced couple.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and Matthew Perry.

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside the world of international espionage and features a pair of siblings — one an agent, one an analyst.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and Matthew Perry.

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside the world of an uber successful political family in New England and features a newly divorced daughter who is going through a sexual re-awakening.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and… me.

In conclusion (almost), I think that we should get together for a coffee, or to play Facebook Scrabble.

I’m delightful.  Ask around.  Just don’t ask ex-girlfriends… or family members… or neighbors… or professors or teachers I’ve had…  or the government…

Seriously.  Ask around.

I’m a nice guy.  I recycle.  I give back rubs that I don’t expect to lead someplace.  (Conversely, if I have to open a jar for you, expect to be required to put out like a fiend.)

Lauren Graham, in this crazy, fast-moving world, aren’t we all just looking for a connection?  A co-pilot for our adventures.  A Lewis for our Clark.  A Bert for our Ernie.  A Zach Morris for our Kelly Kapowski.  Lauren Graham, we can’t be afraid to take a chance on love, because, in life, there is no greater reward.

However if things don’t work out between us, could you introduce me to Anne Hathaway?

With warm regards and occasional wandering hands,
Peter

-ps Sorry your sitcom didn’t get picked up for the fall.  😦

– pps Your shoulders are slim and lovely.