An open letter to Lauren Graham

May 27, 2009

Dear Lauren Graham,


I hope this letter finds you well.  Because, you know, I assume you’re reading this STOG.

Oh.  You don’t know me, but I’ve been a fan since the “Caroline in the City” days.  And I’m still not speaking to ABC for canceling “Townies.”

We also have a six degrees thing going.  An ex-girlfriend’s fiancee is good friends with good friends of yours.  (Or something.)  And my ex uses this info to torture me.  She’s an evil, evil, evil, cute, evil woman.  (She also says you have broad shoulders, so be mean to her if you ever meet!)

I wrote a screenplay with you in mind once.  I convinced your agent to read it.  She even called me when she was finished with it.  She said all kinds of lovely and complimentary (and truthful) things about it and then mentioned, “When you come up with the funding, let me know and I’ll pass it along to Lauren.”

So I checked between the cushions of my couch, but only found $1.07.  Canadian.  And a Bazooka Joe comic.  It was the one with the very dated pun.  Do you remember it?

I should also mention that, when your agent called, I had the flu and a super high fever.  For the first half of the conversation I thought she was a girl I dated in college.  I’m glad I didn’t mention “that time, in the hotel room, with the jumper cables and ventriloquist’s dummy.”


I’m kidding.

It was a sock puppet.

Now I don’t typically give career advice to people.  Mostly because I’m staggeringly self-absorbed.  However I have the perfect idea for you.  Well, more like ideas…

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside a big Chicago ad agency being run by a recently divorced couple.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and Matthew Perry.

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside the world of international espionage and features a pair of siblings — one an agent, one an analyst.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and Matthew Perry.

– A TV drama.  It’s set inside the world of an uber successful political family in New England and features a newly divorced daughter who is going through a sexual re-awakening.  It’s written by Aaron Sorkin and stars you and… me.

In conclusion (almost), I think that we should get together for a coffee, or to play Facebook Scrabble.

I’m delightful.  Ask around.  Just don’t ask ex-girlfriends… or family members… or neighbors… or professors or teachers I’ve had…  or the government…

Seriously.  Ask around.

I’m a nice guy.  I recycle.  I give back rubs that I don’t expect to lead someplace.  (Conversely, if I have to open a jar for you, expect to be required to put out like a fiend.)

Lauren Graham, in this crazy, fast-moving world, aren’t we all just looking for a connection?  A co-pilot for our adventures.  A Lewis for our Clark.  A Bert for our Ernie.  A Zach Morris for our Kelly Kapowski.  Lauren Graham, we can’t be afraid to take a chance on love, because, in life, there is no greater reward.

However if things don’t work out between us, could you introduce me to Anne Hathaway?

With warm regards and occasional wandering hands,

-ps Sorry your sitcom didn’t get picked up for the fall.  😦

– pps Your shoulders are slim and lovely.


35 Responses to “An open letter to Lauren Graham”

  1. Sid said

    She was in Caroline in the City? Wow! I honestly don’t remember her in that.

  2. Matt said

    Anne Hathaway… especially in Get Smart when shes wearing all those tight clothes…

    yes. Just, yes.

  3. shine said

    Hard to go wrong with unsolicited career advice. Or sexual favors.

  4. Antelope said

    How do you have an open letter to Lauren Graham and not mention Bad Santa? Shouldn’t that be the stuff of fantasies for you?

  5. Kary said

    I love this letter. Hope Lauren will find it and read it for your sake;)

  6. you know that with google alerts and all lauren’s publicist, agent and manager are all reading this.

    she’ll read it and fall madly in love with you, i have faith.

  7. brandy said

    I despise Lauren. Although, I currently despise everything so if Lauren ever reads this, she shouldn’t take it personally. (I just watched Rachel Getting Married and I do love Anne. I vote Anne)

  8. allthewine said

    you can’t have Lauren she’s mine. We’re in a chickmance.

  9. tia said

    how any girl could NOT be wooed by that letter, i have no idea.

  10. Gramps said

    Wow. This almost makes me wish I knew who Lauren Graham is.

  11. Wait… which episode of 3rd Rock was she in? Because I’ve gotta find it and watch it immediately. And no, I don’t have a lady crush on her, well maybe kinda. I know that Gilmore girls is mindless drivel, but I can’t help myself.

    • She was a cute college girl (grad student?) that Dick was interested in.

      I think.

      She was also awesome on Newsradio.

      But don’t get me started on the under appreciated genius of that show.

  12. brandy said

    YOU ALMOST VLOGGED?! That would have made my day.

  13. BS said

    From your list of ideas for Ms. Graham, I think we should expect an open letter to Matthew Perry next.

    I really wanted to see her play Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, but that had more to do with my obsession with Guys and Dolls than with her.

  14. Craig said

    OMG great letter, maybe you need to print it out and take it to Broadway?

  15. i hope she reads this. she may have a restraining order issued after the charm wears off, but maybe you’ll at least have a moment.

  16. Is this where I declare that I’m like stupid in love with you?? Because, um:

    “I’m a nice guy. I recycle. I give back rubs that I don’t expect to lead someplace. (Conversely, if I have to open a jar for you, expect to be required to put out like a fiend.)”


  17. tabithablogs said

    First of all: If I was a male (or a lesbian), I would definitely write a very similar letter to Lauren Graham. I love her. And I, too, know someone who knows someone she knows. No joke.

    Secondly: this stog is fabulous. Except when it’s over, I’m pretty sure I will be really sad and wish for more.

    Maybe you guys could do little one-week sprints from time to time? Or something?

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